Remember who you really are, and do what you want

“There’s still time. Close your eyes. Only love will guide you home. Tear down the walls and free your soul.”  -What You Want (Evanescence) I have been doing something lately that I don’t like. I’m not judging myself, just noticing and being accountable. I have been “shoulding” on a lot of people, including me! What is “shoulding” you ask? You know it; you’ve no doubt done it and had it done to you. It looks like this: “My husband ‘should’ change the light bulb like I asked him to do earlier.” “My coworkers ‘should’ spend more time working and less time goofing around.” “That driver ‘shouldn’t’ have cut me off!” “I ‘shouldn’t’ eat that piece of cake because I’m already over my ideal weight.” (Actually, in the last example, I’m guessing you are more than likely calling yourself fat, disgusting or something worse.)< The list of what we think people (including ourselves) should and shouldn’t do is endless.  It’s one of the ways we knock ourselves out of the present moment (and our own reality) and start playing the blaming/shaming game. When we should on ourselves, it takes a huge toll on our self-esteem. When we should on others, we presume that we know how they can best live their lives and that our way of doing things is right. In both cases, we are not taking responsibility for our choices, and in the process, give our power away. “Don’t bullshit yourself about what you should be doing versus what you really want to be doing.” ~Albert Ellis~ Why do we should on ourselves (and others)? It’s easier to...

Let’s talk about shame – that dirty five letter word.

“Tell me – did I go on a tangent? Did I lie through my teeth? Did I cause you to stumble on your feet? Did I bring shame on my family? Did it show when I was weak? Whatever you see, that wasn’t me. That wasn’t me, that wasn’t me.  -That Wasn’t Me (Brandi Carlile) I recently read Brene Brown’s book “The Gift of Imperfections”. I spoke about perfection in an earlier blog, but I had never thought about it in relation to shame – until I read this book. (Ironically (or not), Brene used the exact same quote in her book when talking about perfectionism as I did in my blog on it.) Brene defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” She expands on this by saying: “Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring (sometimes it’s just as hard to own our strengths as our struggles). This is why shame loves perfectionists – it’s so easy to keep us quiet.” “For women, shame is: do it all, do it perfectly, and never let them see you sweat. It’s this web of unattainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be. For men, shame is one thing: do not be perceived as...

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