On love: start with yourself first, and don’t settle!

“You’ve been here forever, so clear in my mind. I just don’t know where you are. I know I’ll find you, but girl ’til I do, this is my love song for you.” -Drift Off to Dream (Travis Tritt)

Yesterday as I was driving to Calgary (heading down to hear Oprah speak!), I had my iPod on shuffle, and the song “Drift Off to Dream” came on. I hadn’t heard this song since the early 90’s probably, and I was actually surprised it was on there. Anyway…I became a bit emotional listening to the lyrics. It just really resonated with me. I guess because I know my “big love” is out there somewhere, and I am finally ready to meet him!

I’ve been single for a while now. I was married for 8 years, and well, now I’m not. (That’s the super short version.) We were both good people. No one did anything wrong. It just wasn’t meant to be more than it was, and I’m ok with that. I know I learned what I needed to from that relationship. I have dated a few people here and there since then, but I just haven’t met the right guy yet. I will admit my dating life post divorce has had some hilarious moments (I am able to say that now looking back.) I had a lot of, shall I call them, “unique” experiences. Honestly, my mother even said I should write a book.

I tried online dating. I tried being set up by friends. I tried dating people I’d known for years. I tried dating a guy I met at the 7-11. No matter what I did, I was unable to attract the kind of person I wanted. People would often say to me “I can’t believe you’re single/I don’t understand why you’re not dating anyone – you’re such a beautiful, smart girl”, etc. My aunt asked me last summer why I thought I couldn’t meet anyone, and at the time, I didn’t know. A couple of days ago when a friend posted something on my Facebook wall which said “The smarter the woman is, the more difficult it is to find the right man.”, I replied with what I’ve come to know is true: there is no reason to settle in love.

 “When I loved myself enough, I quit settling for too little.” ~Kim McMillan~

How did I stop settling? Last November, I had an epiphany.I had been attracting guys who had nothing to offer me emotionally. Why? After my divorce, I felt like something was wrong with me and that I was a bad person for hurting my ex. Deep down I didn’t feel like I deserved love. My ex was good to me, trustworthy, kind, etc. and still it wasn’t enough for me. So, I told myself that I gave up too easily and that I was selfish. I internalized the guilt for 6 years.

Ladies (and gentlemen) please learn from me. Stop listening to the people saying: “you’re not getting any younger”, 419093_439733846064720_1837661899_n“you should stop being so picky”, “you must be lonely”, “but he’s a nice guy, does it really matter that he is/isn’t ____?”, “you’re being unrealistic”, etc. It is ok to want what you want. It is ok to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t fill you up. It is ok to take your time. It is ok to take care of your own needs. It is ok to forgive yourself. Let go of the story that you are unlovable. It is ok to love yourself THAT much.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi~

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